Controlling the Uncontrollable
For instance…
You found the perfect job, you have the education and the experience, you are perfect for it and it is perfect for you. You had an interview. It went well. Still, despite all of those “green lights” the one thing that stands between you and your perfect career is whether or not the hiring manager liked you?
Or…
You met a great person, he or she seems to be everything you are looking for. You have a lot in common and your personalities even seem similar. You have great conversations, you have fun on dates, and with all of the chemistry and the positive vibes, you begin to really like this person and you would like to take it further but despite all of the good, you want to pursue a committed relationship while the other person suddenly seems to feel differently. This is another scenario when the one thing that stands between you and what you want is the willing cooperation of the other person.
I’m sure that almost every person has been in situations similar to those in my examples. I am also sure that I have not been the only person stressing, worrying, and crying trying to control that which is uncontrollable. In this case, the uncontrollable element is the other person’s will.
Whether we realize it or not, it is one of the underlying reasons that we tend to make such rash judgments about people although we may not know that much about them beneath the surface.
Let me explain…
The reason we place so much value on the surface of a person’s character, looks, and personality is because it is the only part of them that we can immediately exert any control over indirectly through our own actions. We cannot immediately infiltrate beneath that surface because it takes time to get to know a person and so we cannot control what we do not have knowledge of. Thus we can exert no certain power over it. The problem is that what we encounter on the surface, we place too much value on. Therefore, we either place judgments and limitations on a person if we don’t like what we see on the surface OR contrarily, we place a person on a pedestal and give them too much credibility and trust when we have not gathered enough information about them beyond what we initially encounter in order to make wise decisions about how to operate and how far to go in our relationships.
The tricky thing about this and the way that you choose to handle these particular types of situations speaks to your character and the type of person you are in a very distinct way. The way that you handle these types of situations shows how you handle power and control. If you are busy trying to manipulate certain situations that take away from the rights of others to make their own decisions, then that is an indication that you might have a problem with trying to exert your power over others. Likewise, if you are constantly trying to exert your power over a colleague or a loved one in order to get them to do what you would like for them to do then you just might also have a control problem.
Being able to respect another person’s choices and wishes, even when it goes against what you would want, is a sign of great maturity and selflessness. Still oftentimes, we have these problems with power and control because we feel that our way of thinking or our way of doing things is the best way.
The truth is, you are not irreplaceable and your way is not ALWAYS the best way. Good ideas and great decisions can be made with or without you. Even the bad ones can be fixed with or without you. Trying to be overbearing, manipulative, controlling, or a power hog are major character flaws in the eyes of those who might otherwise choose to work with you or be in relationship with you. The thing is, even when you don’t act on your feelings to control and exert your power over somebody else's will, the feelings are simply an indication that you do not respect them enough to make the right decision.
But…
You must learn to respect the choices that others choose to make for their lives even when they make a decision that isn’t in your favor, even if it totally excludes you altogether.
At the end of the day, you would want the same respect. When someone has exerted their own will over yours through manipulation, control, or power, it is a sickening feeling of violation, unfairness, and even betrayal.
Every person has a right to make their own decisions in life.
That hiring manager has a right to choose you for that new position or someone else if he or she thinks the other person is a better fit.
That love interest has a right to choose you in that relationship or to move on to someone else or something else that he or she feels their heart may be pulling them towards.
That child of yours has a right to choose their own college, profession, or mate even if it isn’t what you’d particularly like for them.
Your life is yours to live and your life is the ONLY life you get to live and make decisions for. No one else’s!
If you truly feel that someone you love or work with is making unwise decisions, then talk with them first, and secondly pray about it. The best thing you can offer is support. But exerting your will over someone else’s is not the answer.
Talk it out. Pray about it. Respect it. Let it go. Move on.
In that order.
A. L. Hearn